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| New Space |
| 07.21.06 (4:56 am) [edit] |
I haven't even been here a week and already I'm moving.
You'll find me over here.
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| Feeling Alone No More |
| 07.20.06 (12:45 am) [edit] |
I'm feeling much better now.
I was feeling really lonely all day, but then my sister called around dark, and we had a nice girl chat that cheered me right up.
Then I got stoned out of my mind.
And now I'm feeling pretty good.
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| Connection |
| 07.20.06 (12:39 am) [edit] |
Dude.
I am so psyched!!!
I now have my very own hook-up.
Sweet.
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| Body Issues |
| 07.19.06 (4:07 pm) [edit] |
I didn't wake up until 2:30 P.M. today.
Sheesh, wtf?
Since I started Seroquel, I've been having really vivid, long drawn out dreams which I remember when I'm awake.
Today's dream was a tug of war control match over Iggy with some girl.
I was trying to get through this girls head that she was crossing a boundary line by flirting with him, and I was upset that he allowed it to continue.
I felt that he should open his mouth and stand up for me, announcing that it was disrespectful of her to behave that way since we were a couple.
Bleh, I woke up feeling all insecure even though I knew it was just from the dream, the feeling has lingered.
I don't know why I had such a dream, but perhaps it ties in with my current feelings of negativity about myself...feeling fat, ugly, worthless.
I've always been the person preaching self acceptance, self love...fighting the media and their unhealthy,unattainable image of what women "should" look like.
Love yourself, you are not your body, your house, your car, you are a gift from God, celebrate yourself!
I honestly believe what I preach, and more often than not I live with those mantras inside myself wholeheartedly, I walk with pride, my head held high.
But then there are the time frames in which I despise and feel shame and loathing for this lumpy, bumpy body that is a stranger.
I don't understand the self hatred, because I don't feel disgust towards other's with imperfect bodies...I actually prefer and love real women with curves, and am turned off by rail thin ladies.
I look in the mirror and am unable to recognize the face that stares back at me.
Ugly. So ugly.
And I hate her.
I want to be the young, beautiful, thin girl that I used to be.
So I make plans.
Plans to eat healthy, plans to walk daily, plans to become "me again".
But in reality, I have no time, nor energy for anything other than trying to manage my disorder at this point in my life.
So the self hatred just continues to build.
Adding to the flame is my love, Iggy.
He constantly makes ignorant negative, hurtful comments about my weight and my body.
I used to pretend that his comments didn't affect me, and would come back with replies that I was fine with me just as I am.
And at times, I do believe that.
When I'm manic.
I would tell him that there are people out there who would love me just as I am.
That I deserve nothing less!
Then later my tactic became to throw insults right back at him.
To point out that he isn't one to talk, since he looks like he's carrying triplets!
I would get angry at him for not loving me unconditionally as I loved him.
As time passed, my love began to change.
He doesn't realize that his actions over the past three years have destroyed the all encompassing love I used to feel for him.
I love him, yes.
But I mourn the deep,full love that I've lost.
This goes much deeper than his emotionally abusive comments about my body, but right now I'm all talked out.
We'll save that for another day.
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| What Personality Disorder Are You? |
| 07.17.06 (9:53 pm) [edit] |
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You May Be a Bit Borderline...
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Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!
When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...
And when you're down, your whole world is crashing
Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!
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| Caught |
| 07.17.06 (9:20 pm) [edit] |
I was slightly manic the other day.
The day I created this blog.
I have to admit that it felt pretty good.
So good in fact that I rode the high until 5:30 a.m. the next morning before I finally gave in and took my nightly medicine and hit the sack.
I'm not allowing myself any guilt though, because I was pretty responsible about recognizing the mania and nipping it in the bud before it got out of hands and last a few days or so.
I've been feeling pretty "blah" since then, but it seems to be the extreme heat, because my shitty mood disappears in the evening when it cools off.
I think a little of it is indeed a symptom of whatever is going on with me right now, because I'm walking around in slow motion, avoiding phone calls,having mega negative body issues and feeling either generally indifferent, or unwarnanted aggitation.
They turned off our Directv service.
We received the electricity shut off notice despite the fact that we just handed them $130.
Sigh.
Ah well, like Iggy said... we'll be broke as hell this month, but at least now we know that we can dig ourselves out of debt and begin to live comfortably.
God I can't wait.
Mom is coming over early tomorrow morning to take me to get groceries and my meds.
Late Gator!
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| Strength |
| 07.16.06 (5:37 pm) [edit] |
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You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself.
"I have lived through this horror.
I can take the next thing that comes along."
- Elanor Roosevelt
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| I Heart... |
| 07.16.06 (12:38 am) [edit] |
I have the biggest non sexual crush on Dr. Rey from Dr. 90210!
He's just an amazing person, he is so positive and genuine.
What a beautiful heart.
He's a wonderful husband, a wonderful father.
(When he's around)
Due to childhood issues with his father, he is a workaholic who continually usues his accomplishments to fend off the programmed mantra of worthlessness that his father repeatedly beat into little Dr. Rey's head =(
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| Tainted |
| 07.15.06 (10:41 pm) [edit] |
Iggy and I went over to Mom's tonight for a visit.
Mom's "special friend" cooked ham steaks on the grill with corn on the cob.
We sat under her new screen tent, which was nice.
I want a covered swing soooooo badly!
Mom sent me home with magazines, a sample sized shampoo packet and a new bag of bird food =)
A neighbor in our subdivision is having a party tonight, a pig roast.
I'm not a party person.
Hate them.
I can't be around large groups of people.
It's unbearable.
My anxiety.
Iggy heard that someone at the party was going to light off fireworks at the swimming pond.
I love fireworks!!!
Andy suggested we go down to the bench at one of the fishing ponds, to watch them!
I was so excited.
I mean, come on...fireworks and a romantic setting, yeahhhhhh.
Did it turn out that way?
Hellllll Nooooo!
We jumped on the 4 wheeler when we heard them began.
But Iggy didn't make the left turn to the bench at the fishing pond,
Instead, he drove straight ahead.
To the swimming pond
Ugh.
Right smack dab on top of the hill where all of the party people could see us.
Uncomfortable much?
MmmmmHmmmmmmmm
I loved the fireworks, I really did...they were beautiful.
But my anxiety was overwhelming and sadly tainted the moment that I had been hoping to share with Iggy.
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| Pretty Damn Good Day |
| 07.15.06 (5:34 pm) [edit] |
My sister treated our family to a fun filled day at Waldameer park.
What a nice surprise!
I was pretty cranky and bitchy early in the day
because we had to sit in the hot car, sweating our asses off as we waited for his boss show up to hand out paychecks.
I was miserable.
I didn't have a magazine to distract me.
The sweat was rolling down my forehead.
In an irritated fashion, I dabbed at my face with a napkin, attempting to stop a meltdown on my face...
I whined like a little baby.
I was annoying, I'm sure.
But what wasn't visible were my inner triggers.
The unease in my stomach that I always feel when I leave my yard.
It appears long before we actually get inside the car.
Hours before our departure, I feel "on edge".
Filled with heavy dread.
My muscles are so tight, my shoulders, my back...they ache.
I'm jumpy
Just generally filled with unease.
I hate that feeling.
Any kind of outing brings on this kind of chaotic internal experience for me.
I then respond in turn to those negative feelings with fierce negativity.
I wish I were strong enough to control my behaviour
in response to those uncomfortable episodes, but I'm not there yet, I'm only beginning to learn all about my disorder and how to manage it.
I just didn't have it in me yesterday to hold it in and wear the mask.
Today brings feelings of guilt for my selfish behavior =(
After we arrived at the park and met my sister, my mood quickly lifted.
My six year old niece is a brave little shit!
We rode the Ali Baba first, and she asked us all to ride it again immediately.
Next was the log ride, which included Andy reaching from behind me to grab my boobs, as the speaker announced directions to hold on.
That induced a giggle fest on my part.
My favorite ride was the dragon rollar coaster which has a very winding track and includes a spinning car.
I loved it, which is odd... due to the fact that the last time I road it on a past visit, I hated it.
It was too jerky and I was actually hurt as it came down the final hill/swing and then to a stop.
The only thing I can figure is that perhaps the last time I rode the ride, I was too tense and rigid.
My oldest son suggested that it could have been because the ride was new at the time, had just opened and wasn't broken in, perhaps it didn't function as smoothly as it does now.
That really makes sense!
Anyhoo...I was thrilled with my expreience this time, so much fun!
Then there were the waterslides, which is my absolute favorite part of ammusement parks!
My sister wouldn't allow my niece to go down a slide by herself, so we rode the double tubes together =)
All in all, it ended up being a pretty damn good day.
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| The Almighty Dollar; Safety in an Unsafe World |
| 07.15.06 (4:21 pm) [edit] |
I have absolutely wonderful news!
Iggy begins a new job with his cousin on Monday, making fourteen dollars an hour.
Yes!
Now we can get our bills caught up and stop living paycheck to paycheck.
I hate that.
It's one of the main stressors in my life.
Sick of being constantly drowned in shut off connections.
Never a spare penny in our pocketbooks.
I hate being poor.
Safety.
Always craving safety.
And having money brings a measure of safety to my chaotic life.
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